not pants


I hate to tell you this, but leggings, they’re not pants.

Unless you’re a supermodel (which I bet you’re not), you aren’t going to look good in leggings. I’m not going to look good in them either. That’s why I don’t even own a pair. So why do you?

It offends me to see anyone in cotton leggings with a cotton shirt clinging badly to your hips. The fabric impeded by static cling only shows every roll in your imperfect body. The dark colour on the bottom with the light colour on top only cuts you in half to show me how bad your problem areas truly are. I throw up a little in my mouth every time I see this combination as it only tells me you have no sense of shame or you don’t own a mirror. I hope your excuse is the latter.

For fucks sake buy a mirror.


intimate economies in bed.

Recently I have come across some articles in the paper pertaining to a future potential marriage trade agreement between the EU and Canada. It’s fascinating timing and demonstrates the dumassery of politicians. Jumping into these types of relationships early can lead to big mistakes and like Hollywood romances, they can end in costly disaster.

Apparently, representatives of the EU and the leaders of the provinces of Canada are to meet and discuss a free-trade-esk agreement with the goal of finishing negotiations by 2012. This agreement includes the ability for European companies to bid on Canadian government contracts that are presently reserved for local (Canadian) contractors. It could benefit for Europe immensely if the companies can compete with the local prices (which will be fairly easy).  But while the pharmaceutical side of the agreement will help generate hundreds of millions of dollars in the sector, it will also make generic drugs more expensive for the average consumer and for the provinces. Government contracts and pharmaceuticals are just a demonstration of the breadth sectors currently being negotiated under the large umbrella of trade agreements.

The problems with this agreement have nothing to do with nationalistic protectionism, but relate to current market complexities, sinking ships (aka stressed banks), and agreements with markets we barely understand.  Considering the current global economic meltdown, throwing in all your chips for a deal “which is designed to reduce tariffs and trade restrictions in a variety of sectors (Globe and Mail, Feb 7, 2011)” is a bit vexing.  Why broker a deal with Europe when many European banks have failed stress tests?  Presently, a great deal of Canadian trade is dependent on the US and with the American economy tanking and all, one has to wonder why broad trade agreements are still being made.

One thing at a time people.

Or at least one or two sectors at a time.

The domino effect of economic meltdown is the likely outcome of the current global economic crisis.  First Greece went down, and now the EU and US are toppling.  The Iron Triangle of banks, corporations, and politicians has mutated through cross-boarder trade negotiations in all sectors into an economic hypercube–a construct much too complicated for most analysts to truly understand.  Wedding economies through CETA adds another dimension to the economic landscape and we are risking more by not having any boundaries.  Could we at least test an agreement with just a couple of sectors instead of rolling the dice on all of them?

Trade is good, but fucking come on!  Total economic integration?  Are you fucking kidding me?!

Said EU spokesman John Clancy (Reuters, July 15), “While a number of issues remain complex and will need further work over the coming months, significant progress was made across the board, including on goods, services and public procurement.” Perhaps we should also take the time not to integrate quite so fully, John.

Can’t we just be friends? Plutonic friends with potential benefits?

‘Cause the US was getting around, cheating on us, and we all got screwed.  Instead of fucking one another, let’s cuddle and talk.  Let’s learn from our mistakes, the transgressions perpetrated in the past two years, and stop hurting each other.  And maybe down the road we can move in together and test our relationship before we get married.

So let’s fuck less and cuddle more and learn from the past two years. It’s not business as usual in our current economy so why don’t we test our relationship before we get married.






Uncle Sam even wants you to turn off your fuckin' cell

When I’m enjoying a beautiful plate of fois-gras with a complimentary glass of wine I don’t want to hear your mobile phone. We are in a restaurant and the patrons don’t need to hear your overly-loud conversation let alone the dumbass personalized gino-beat phone ring that began the conversation.

Turn off your fuckin’ cell phone you classless motherfucker.  People are trying to eat and enjoy themselves.

When I’ve paid way too much for a movie and I’m sitting about to watch my favourite star take off their shirt, I certainly don’t want to hear your “old school” mobile ring tone. I can also tell you that I don’t want to hear you make plans for after the movie I am watching.

Turn off your fuckin’ mobile you self-absorbed dumbass. People are watching a film.

When I’m sitting down and taking notes while trying to learn from a course I am dedicating time and money to, I really don’t want to be distracted by the dancing glowing LED/graphic lights and obnoxious Star Trek red alert ring tone of your mobile phone. I’m trying to expand my horizons here.

Turn off your fuckin’ cell phone you goddamn philistine. We are trying to expand our knowledge.


politics 101

don't vote if you're stupid


Dear Plebian,

If you don’t know how the parliamentary system works, how many branches of government there are, or how to read, do me a favour ok?  Don’t fucking vote you ignorant son of a bitch.

Honestly, our system is bicameral and I know that has more than two syllables but don’t vote if you don’t know what that means either. Can someone who doesn’t even know the basics of our political system make an informed choice that affects us all? I say not.

The other day I had a discussion with my neighbour who was woefully uninformed but had voted based purely on the advertisement he had been misled by. It was an attack ad that had no information as to the platform that the candidates were going to prescribe to if elected. When I asked as to the beliefs of the candidates in question I was unsurprised by the fact he couldn’t name one element of a party platform. I told him to his face that if people couldn’t be bothered to understand even the most basic platforms of the candidates that he should not vote.  Oddly he didn’t even begin to comprehend that I was speaking directly to and about him. Instead of refuting my point he stated, “Your a tough person to argue with.”

Thank the gods this man has no children…Now if only we could get him not to fucking vote.


The government gives out drivers licenses and oh, how I wish I could take them away.

Not being a psychic I cannot tell what people are going to do in their vehicles before they do it. Signalling with flashing lights also known as “indicating” tells me where the fuck you are going to go. However, if you are going straight turn off your fucking indicator.

this man is indicating he will go right

On the highway (freeway, motorway, etc.) one must also consider traffic flow.

Yo Asshole, the passing lane is for passing!

If I catch up to you perhaps you might consider moving the fuck over. Sometimes I understand you are passing a car as well and he is doing 103 km/hr  (64 m/hr) and you are doing 105 km/hr (65 m/hr). I am doing 120 km/hr (74.5 m/hr) and coming up on you quite quickly. Perhaps you should speed up, pass, and then move over, because I have a guy following me who isn’t going to be impressed when your lack of attention to the road causes us to brake hard and disrupt the flow of traffic in this ‘passing lane’.

Pay the fuck attention to the motherfucking road!

Thank you.


GPS Googles

This fancy set of hot looking ski/boarding goggles has all the latest info a snow enthusiast would ever want. It includes an internal display for GPS, speed, chronometer, altitude, distance, vertical odometer, and temperature.

Wow, that sounds pretty cool until you realize that you are so intent on hurtling down a mountain out of control because you’re looking at that little display at the bottom left hand corner you weren’t looking at the signage of the resort. Didn’t see the kid merge trails or realize that you don’t even know how to stop at that speed. But luckily you can tell ski patrol exactly where you are with the GPS locator when you catch an edge at 3000 m (9,842 ft).  You can also approximate how many hours it will take you to freeze to death in that crevasse you didn’t notice with the handy temperature gauge…but hell you were totally bookin it at 70 k/hr (43.5 m/hr) just before you plummeted into the icy death pit. You even got 1000 m (3,280ft) down the mountain in 4 minutes before you hit that rock which double ejected you into a life of paralysis.

Darwin couldn’t be prouder of this new product.